“Hope you’re having a good day,” chirped my Alexa this morning, after giving me the day’s weather. As I slowly dragged myself out of bed to face another day of global catastrophe and chaos , it sounded like mockery. Corporate, de-personalised, pre-programmed mockery.
“This apocalypse has been brought to you by Amazon! Have a great day!”
I go downstairs, pop in one of my last three non-biogredable coffee pods into my Nespresso machine and get on my Apple computer to check Twitter for the latest news. There’s something trending involving Kim Kardashian, Kanye West and Taylor Swift. It’s a perfect storm of celebrity vapidity, trying to tempt me with distractions from the real news. I should ignore it. After all, the whole world is going to shit. Why should I waste time reading about whatever feud these idiots are engaging in this week?
But I don’t want to read the regular news. What more is there to learn? I’m already stuck at home, in lockdown. Me and my chirpy Amazon Alexa. What behaviour am I going to change at this point? I’m already washing my hands down to the bone, even though I don’t leave the house. I’m rationing paper towels, using every last bit of the pasta sauce, freezing the left-overs, for when things get worse. Each time I use a dishwasher pod, I calculate how many plates, spoons and forks my Bosch can handle before I have to resort to washing everything by hand, like a hobo from the great depression, cleaning out my empty tin of beans so I can re-use it as a drinking cup.
So what’s the point of seeing the latest numbers out of South Korea? Or checking if there’s been any progress on clinical evidence for the effectiveness of Favipiravir or Chloroquine? Weren’t we told it would be weeks or months before anything changes? Anything at all? Before there was any potential for good news? Aren’t all these news stories and cautionary statements intended for people who have been obliviously and inconsiderately spending time out at the pub and restaurants? And not for people like me, who have known for weeks that, if you’re going to cough, you cough into the crook of your arm, not your hands? That you keep 2 metres away from other human beings. And that 2 metres is around – I don’t know – 10 feet? ish? So what’s to learn from the news at this point? Why read any more about how former reality TV star Donald Trump is the person everyone is relying on to guide the Centers for Disease Control and their epidemiological response, including sourcing and constructing more ventilators into the supply chain? How everything is going to fine soon, folks? Trust him. He’s got it under control!
Fuck it, I’m going to read about the Kardashians.
Apparently, an old phone recording has been dug up, that shows that Kim and Kanye have been lying for the past four years, about seeking Taylor Swift’s permission to use a line in a Kanye song: “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex / I made that bitch famous.” It’s all very controversial. Yes, they did seek her permission to reference her in the song, but the new-old phone call definitively proves that they neglected to tell her they were going to call her a bitch in the process. Shocking!
Everyone seems to be taking sides and the celebs involved are releasing statements more frequently than the WHO, each one stating more vehemently than the last, that this is a non-story, that there’s nothing to see here, that we didn’t want this old feud dredged up again, that there are really important things going on in the world, that nobody cares about this thing that clearly everyone cares about and that this statement is the last statement that we’re ever going to release about this. Ever.
So I read all about it in USA Today, cause I don’t know anything about any of this until just now, not being a Kardashian kind of person. And then I go back to Twitter and read some of the shade being thrown and I see that everyone has an opinion on this. It’s a big story. A distractingly big story. And that makes me grateful, because I need to be distracted and I don’t care right now if that distraction is vapid, celebrity, corporate nonsense. I need it to get through my day. My stupid, awful, boring, thank-god-we’re-not-sick-yet, depressing day. From this point forward, I’m going full Kardashian. Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kevin… I’m going to keep up to date on all things Kardashian. Because that’s apparently what you do when everything starts falling apart.
Send me some good news about vaccines, treatments, a flattened curve and I’ll come up for air and start reading the New Yorker again. But until then, can you believe how Kim has tried to make this all about her? That bitch! Call me a Swifty, coz I’m team Taylor all the way now.
Hope you’re having a good day!